I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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