maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I have so many feelings about this burrito
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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