That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
