1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
