u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize