I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I met the friendliest cop last night
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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