Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Randomize