FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
