When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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