I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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