I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just pee around me
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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