I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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