Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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