Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
