Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
