I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
