I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
