I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
