every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
