I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
