I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
