just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
