We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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