wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
