One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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