You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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