your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
