im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Randomize
