I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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