Don't make out with my wife yet
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize