How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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