There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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