Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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