So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
