my phone needs a breathalizer
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
