I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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