the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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