Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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