Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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