You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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