I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
