you're like a bully in the Christmas story
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
