woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
