I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Randomize
