Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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