I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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