I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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