I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize