If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm like, not good at living.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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