About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
