I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
