I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
