I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize