She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
