I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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