They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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