my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
