there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
