Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
