Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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