i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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