I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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